The past few weeks were rough. I could barely recognize myself because I was getting inattentive to my self-care needs. I kept saying that life is so unfair, so why would I bother recovering from the emotional and mental pain I was dealing with. I would question myself why does it have to happen to me. I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything extremely wrong to deserve this. But then again, I would never know the reason for all of this.
The start of this unwanted emotion was when I got a miscarriage. Everything was fine back then, and I was so happy to get pregnant that I focus solely on taking care of myself and my baby. As much as I know, I visited my regular checkups, and I didn’t miss any of them. I also made sure to take whatever vitamins the doctor requires, and I also pay close attention to what I eat. Overall, I managed to do everything right according to what experts suggest.
But despite all the efforts I put up with taking care of my physical, mental, and emotional health, an unexpected event still took place. I remember just having a cramp, and then suddenly I was bleeding. At first, I didn’t think it would be that bad since I have heard that most pregnant women experienced that sort of thing. But when I realized that the bleeding is not stopping, I immediately called my husband for help. Right of the bat, we went to the hospital for an emergency.
The Reason Behind The Miscarriage
On our way to the hospital, I thought thoroughly of the reason for this bad experience because I couldn’t think of anything as much as I wanted to put up negativity in it. I was pretty damn sure it was not stressed because I wasn’t dealing with any emotional and mental struggle. The people around me are supportive and caring, and I have never encountered a stressful situation over the last couple of months that I was pregnant. I was extremely mind-boggled as to why I might be having a miscarriage.
Fast forward to the result after the doctor’s examination; they told me that the reason for my miscarriage was abnormal chromosomes. Seriously, it wasn’t the thing I expected, but it somehow validated every inch of my doubts and fears. The doctors said that the baby inside my womb got damaged because the fetus stopped developing. Unfortunately, there is no way to prevent chromosome problems from happening.
That led me into a roller coaster of emotions. I felt that I was cheated with. I thought that all my efforts and sacrifices were useless because the child inside my womb would give up on me at the end of the day. I was not too fond of the idea that my body or whatever is in it failed me. I felt extremely devastated at that moment, but I did not cry. I was brave enough to handle the situation, and I accepted that the baby was already gone.
The Agonizing Emotional And Mental Suffering
Just like any other day, I continued to do my stuff. I prepared my mindset to get through whatever life may bring. But as days went by, I felt genuinely lonely, scared, and hopeless. My miscarriage was hunting me, and I couldn’t seem to focus on what was in front of me. I got dragged down with so much hate and pain that I never knew where the hell came from. I was hurting, but I couldn’t tell where it hurts. I was constantly finding myself crying over nothing, and I could not recognize my actions anymore. I began to lose control over myself, and I became so down and depressed.
It was seriously the worse feeling that I have felt over the past years of my existence. I’ve never felt anything like this where I almost ended up wanting to end it all. I constantly thought about self-harm to get rid of the pain. I am mentally and emotionally unable to process anything around me, and it scared the heck out of me.
The thing that merely added fuel to the fire is when other people told me to get over it. I wish I could. I genuinely wish it was that simple. I know that there are women out there who can go on and continue with their lives after a miscarriage. But for me, it seemed quite impossible. I am not overreacting. I felt stuck in a loop of mental and emotional torture, which others couldn’t understand.
My miscarriage was an unexpected thing that I never thought I would have to deal with for a long and exhausting period. I might not be okay right now, but I know what I am currently enduring was valid.